Is your therapist the right fit for you?
Is your therapist the right fit for you? Do you even want or have access to one? In the previous episode, Dr. Rick Grant-Coons (he/him) shared out the allyship tip: "Just trust that people know who they are best. They know themselves best and just believe that they can tell you who they are and that is the truth, right? Like, let people tell you who they are. And just believe, accept, celebrate, find out what works for them, and not try to define for them or tell them who they should be, what they are. How they're doing this wrong, you know, just instead just say, "Hey, I'm going to trust in you and I'm going to learn who you are by you telling me and that's how I will support you and figure out how we all can navigate this world a little bit better."
In this mini-episode, host Chris Angel (they/them) discusses some of their own experiences with therapy over the years.
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The Trevor Project - LGBTQ Youth
Full Transcript
Chris Angel Murphy 0:16
Don't touch that dial. You are now listening to Allyship is a Verb, an LGBTQ+ educational podcast. I am your host, Chris Angel, and my pronouns are they/them. On the last episode, we met my former therapist, Rick.
Rick Grant-Coons 0:42
Hi, my name is Rick Grant-Coons and my pronouns are he, him, and his.
Chris Angel Murphy 0:47
What's one allyship tip you'd like for everyone listening to consider?
Rick Grant-Coons 0:52
Just trust that people know who they are. Best they know themselves best. And just believe that they can tell you who they are. And that is the truth, right? Like, let people tell you who they are. And just believe except celebrate, find out what works for them, and not trying to define for them or tell them who they should be what they are, how they're doing this wrong, you know, just instead just say, Hey, I'm going to trust in you. And I'm going to learn who you are by you telling me and that's how I will support you and figure out how we all can navigate this world a little bit better.
Chris Angel Murphy 1:34
Before I dive in, some quick housekeeping. First off, I wanted to take a moment to thank Jazz for becoming a new monthly supporter. So thank you, Jazz! Super appreciate you doing that. Monthly contributions help me to pay my audio engineer and the software I use to make all of this happen. It's just me and my audio engineer. And it's hard work. Just one guest episode can take almost 20 hours from start to finish. My goal is to make enough to cover the costs to produce this podcast. And ideally, also pay all of my guests for their time and sharing their lived experiences. That would mean a great deal to me and to them, too, I'm sure. So, just know that's what your monthly contributions go to should you decide to help in that way and all amounts are appreciated.
Chris Angel Murphy 1:37
Secondly, if you're listening on Spotify, there's now an opportunity to interact with me through polls. I don't know if I'll always have one for each episode, but I thought it would be a great way to connect with y'all more intentionally.
Chris Angel Murphy 2:50
Lastly, this mini episode will be different. I wanted to take time to reflect on my therapy experiences. And I think it's really cool that world Mental Health Day was October 10th and National Coming Out Day was October 11. I think last week's episode with Rick did a really good job of covering both of these topics without meaning to.
Chris Angel Murphy 3:15
The first time I had a therapist was when I entered foster care in the early 2000s. I was a ninth grader in high school finishing up my freshman year. And without diving into the details, I wasn't happy in therapy because it was forced on me. I didn't trust the first or second therapist at all, because I'd already had a poor experience with my emergency social worker. Foster care was turning into a whole new hell I couldn't have anticipated and I just wanted to go back home even though I knew things weren't great there either. But, at least, it was a hell I knew.
Chris Angel Murphy 3:48
It would be years before I would seek out therapy on my own. My community college had a program, you could get a handful of sessions for free. And that's when I learned that systems put a timeline on your pain and expect you to be good once those free sessions are up. The sessions didn't work out. So, I tried a trans therapist. She was a trans woman and I thought this had to be the solution. And I will say there's a trigger warning here for a poor experience, so, I just wanted to say that now, but cisgender heterosexual therapists just weren't working out. This was around 2007/2008 at this point. But within a few sessions, she had the audacity to look at me and say, "You aren't actually genderqueer. You're hiding behind that identity because you want a harder life." I was identifying as genderqueer and trans at that time. These identities were deeply important to me. She shook me to my core and I was so upset, I was shaking for 10 minutes. I remember, because it took me that long to calm down enough to ride on my motorcycle and get the heck out of there. That was one of the first times I learned that our community doesn't always get along.
Chris Angel Murphy 5:08
But, then I met Rick. Rick was in school and under the supervision of another therapist. It was in this beautiful home in the hills and a nice office. I loved talking to Rick. I knew that he was a gay man and he was allowing me to see him on a sliding scale basis. Working with him gave me hope that maybe there were good therapists out there. Poor guy clocked a lot of hours with me venting. He was affirming and kind. I never felt like I was too much for him. And he never tore my identities apart. At some point, I realized I learned all that I could from him, and it was time to move on.
Chris Angel Murphy 5:46
So, I started seeing Amber, it was serendipitous meeting her and being able to see her in her private practice. She offered the perfect combination of allowing me to vent for 10 minutes, and then using the rest of the time for Reiki. And Reiki took me into this whole new world of learning how to heal myself and recognizing that so much trauma was stored in my body. There just to the point where I got tired of talk therapy and that's why it was nice to have a little bit of the venting, and then the rest of the time doing Reiki.
Chris Angel Murphy 6:21
But, every other therapist I've had since hasn't been the same. I had one attempt to be my mom. Another one claim that "Ah, yes, I've taken a course in homosexuality" and noped the heck out of there. Even this year alone in 2021, out of the four therapists I've tried, three have caused a lot of harm. The most recent one spent our last session misgendering Caitlyn Jenner. What a wrap up, huh?
Chris Angel Murphy 6:52
All of that to say, just like I was talking about with Rick in that last episode, something has to give. Mental health professionals deserve to do their job without dealing with the red tape of the medical healthcare system and billing nightmares. They deserve a living wage.
Chris Angel Murphy 7:08
And those seeking therapy deserve access to it in a way with ease, without needing diagnosis. And something that is affordable without compromising on quality so that they can attend all of the sessions they need to without worrying about wrapping things up in a pretty little bow in 5 to 10 sessions. So how do we get there? I don't know, friend. I think by first acknowledging that we don't currently have a system that works. And now let's dive into self-reflection questions.
Chris Angel Murphy 7:42
Does the mental health professional honor your identities? Is it important for them to reflect any of your communities?
Are they a specialist or have any training in the topics most important for you to work through?
Are there any barriers that make it difficult to see them?
Do you feel safe with them?
Do you have a gut feeling telling you it isn’t a good match?
Does the relationship feel healthy?
Do you feel you’ve learned all you can from them?
And with all of that, just know, you deserve to take care of and have access to quality mental health care.
Chris Angel Murphy 8:32
And now for mental health professionals before taking on a new client or patient, ask yourself:
Is this a community I’ve learned about?
Do I feel I can serve this community without inflicting unintentional harm?
Do I consider myself LGBTQ+ friendly or am I an affirming provider?
Where do I get my information from? Is it people with that lived experience?
Do I ask my patients or clients to educate me?
Do I ask questions that satisfy my curiosity or are they important for the work we’re doing together?
Do I regularly attend educational opportunities for this community?
Do I find the balance of leaning on my knowledge of this community, while not trying to put my client into a box?
Chris Angel Murphy 9:37
Visit AllyshipIsAVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode. And if this episode was helpful, please consider sharing it with someone else.